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Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Ramblings about my insecurities

You may have noticed that over the last year I've been modelling more of my own designs. I used to make my girls model for me but once they were both at university it became more and more difficult to get them to model for me. Vanessa has been taking the photos for me when she's been home and I could easily have asked her to swap with me so she'd model and I'd take the photos.

There's been a discussion lately about the lack of larger, middleaged or older models in the knitting industry. I'll be 50 later this summer and I'm overweight, actually I'm obese. Even after loosing 33 pounds in the last 18 months I'm still obese. But if I'm being objective I think I look good.... or at least OK. But that hyper critical inner voice won't shut up! I'm uber-critical when I look at photos of me in new designs. I don't notice how the design looks on me but if I look fat. Or slimmer. Is my double chin showing. And ironically, since I've lost weight I've noticed more wrinkles too.

Trenance - one of the photos I wasn't happy with.

I've just released the Trenance sweater pattern, and to be honest I've been delaying publishing it because I don't like how I look in the photos. Please understand I'm not saying this to get lots of compliments and reassurances. I'm just being honest about how I feel. 

I don't airbrush my photos. I may edit them to lighten or brighten them and I think Vanessa's camera may automatically apply a filter but I don't add any filters afterwards. 

I was much happier with the Daymer Bay photos. 

It makes me annoyed with myself that I worry about how I look in photos but I think it's human. I think most of us probably worry about how we look. If someone wants to take a photo of my while I'm teaching I make sure I stand or sit up straight, pull my tummy in, lift my chin. At the age of 50 I should be comfortable with how I look. 

But I'm confronting my insecurity and as Emily is home for the summer it's tempting to get her to model for me (and I may make her model the odd thing) but I will push myself and continue to model my own designs. 

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